If you're a woman, how often in a day do you apologize when you likely don't need to? Possibly much more than you think. Apology is the right thing when the situation calls for it. But for a whole host of women in professional settings, and you could be one of them, “I'm sorry” is overused and tossed into conversations out of habit. It's so unconscious and ingrained that most women don't realize how often they say it. If this is you, one result is that you may not be taken seriously enough to move up in your organization.

Emily's boss says, “I don't know where that marketing report is that you gave me and I need it for a meeting.” Emily comes back with, “Oh, I'm sorry. Can I help you find it?” What's Emily apologizing for? Her manager got a copy of the report and he'd stashed it away somewhere. And now he needs it and can't lay his hands on it. No need to apologize for something someone else did. Instead a simple, "Take my copy" would do. If she doesn't have a copy and if she'd like to help her boss out in a tough spot, she could say, "I've got a few minutes before I have to get to my next meeting. I'll call Alex in marketing and get another emailed to you." With this statement, Emily is letting her boss know that she also has a busy day, but that she's willing to take a few minutes to help him out of a jam. And once the call to Alex is made and Emily takes off for her meeting, the follow-up with Alex is up to her boss. This is a much more powerful message than apologizing for something that's not her fault.

Sandi's in a meeting with a few people, including her manager, and a peer raises a topic for discussion. When the peer is done Sandi adds her ideas to the mix. Within a few seconds Sandi's peer interrupts with a statement that sounds like it's challenging her knowledge of the topic, “Sandi, that's not the direction we should be going with this!”  Sandi comes back with, “Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this would be a good next step.” What is Sandi apologizing for? In this case the "I'm sorry" weakens Sandi and leaves her open to further attack. She could confidently come back with a statement, "There are many directions we could take. This is another."  

Laura brings chocolate chip cookies to the staff meeting and puts them in the middle of the conference table. Jim, who's at the far end, asks Laura to pass them down. Laura says, “Oh, I'm sorry. Sure Jim, here they are.”  It's the I-should-have-thought-of-it apology and makes Laura seem like she's responsible for everything. Not a good message to send. What Laura can say instead is, “Sure Jim,” and just slide the cookies on down his way.

Here's a situation where an apology was required. I had a 10:00 a.m. phone call scheduled with the head of a company whose products we use. She set it up so that she could tell me about an enhancement her company was offering. 10:00 a.m. came and went. No call. She phoned in at 10:17 and began with,  “Hi Denise, Shelly Smith here. I apologize for calling later than we'd planned. I'd like to go over with you what I had talked about in my note, but because of the time, we've only got about 10 minutes. If this time slot still works for you, I'd like to give you the highlights. How's that for you, or would another time work better?”

When you find yourself tempted to say, "I'm sorry," take a moment and ask yourself if an apology is what the situation calls for and consider whether another statement, such as one of those above, might be more effective.

(c) 2011 Denise Brouillette, San Francisco, CA.  All Rights Reserved. This article may not be downloaded, photocopied, reprinted, or distributed electronically or by any other means without this paragraph accompanying it.  www.LeaderXpress.com