Denise Brouillette

How do you make your personal power work FOR you? What I'm really saying here is, how do you make sure that the way you respond to difficult situations isn't setting you up to have your own behavior work AGAINST you? Because when it does, you lose power immediately, and senior management looks to others, and not you, to fill the leadership pipeline.

Lately I've been talking to a lot of leaders who are running into trouble in work because of how their reactions in tough situations are being perceived. In other words, they're not handling themselves well enough in situations when 1) their work is questioned, 2) when they run into push-back from others, or 3) when they're under direct attack.

If you want higher levels of management to look to you for that next choice leadership role or promotion, you need to handle yourself brilliantly in those three areas: when you work is questioned, when you're met with resistance, and when you're under direct attack. These are three sides of the same triangle called personal management, and they've got a direct influence on your degree of personal power at work.

Personal Power -- and how you lose it. Personal power is a combination of assets and it's the foundation for your personal brand. In work, you're managing up, down and across the organization through complex channels with people around the world. With just about every interaction you're expected to get what you need fast and do it with tact and skill. Each of these situations brings you the opportunity to have your opinions considered or not, to influence outcomes or not, and to be seen as a respected and informed leader… or not. Every time you fall into the "or not" category, you lose power to control your future. You lose another increment of your personal power.

Three Dominant Behaviors. Here's what I've noticed in my years of leadership work with individuals: There are three dominant behaviors we use when we're questioned, when we run into push back or resistance, and when we're under attack, whether that attack is real or perceived. And none of them works in our favor.

1. One way we respond is that we get flustered and don't know what to do or say in the moment, so we might stumble over our words trying to say something that sounds like an intelligent comeback, or we say nothing. This can give the impression that you don't have it together.
2. Another way we act is to become defensive, and in doing so we sound like we're trying to cover up for a mistake. Here's what some defensive behavior looks like. We point the finger at others for not getting their job done so that we could get ours done. It's the "I couldn't help it" response. We blame some person or group for not giving us a realistic time line for our end of the project. It's the "it's their fault" response. Either way you could come across as whiny or accusatory.
3. And then there are those times when how we handle these situations is we go in for the kill ourselves, trying to do the "one up" by striking back -- and we often do this completely unconsciously. The tone of voice here is demeaning. It's the "what are you some kind of idiot?" response. "How could you think that I'd forget something like that?" And then there's the dismissive tone, usually done while looking away from the person or doing email while you're talking with them --it's the "next time, just get it to me on time, okay."

What You Can Do

When you're under any type of perceived attack - from mild to extreme - here is what you can do to keep your personal power and make it for FOR you.

Remain in Control. Because even though someone's behavior or comments seem like they're meant to be personal (and they just might be), you still can't look as though you've taken anything personally. And while the first order of the day is to stay in control…

React Calmly, as though you run into these types of situations every day. That means, don't defend yourself with comments that can be heard as either whining or accusatory. And don't strike back with potentially demeaning and dismissive comments. Instead, do something that really throws people for a loop -- focus on solutions - hmmmm, a novel idea! You can do that by… making a statement that links to their concern, and following that up with either a suggestion OR a question

Example: When a VP said to me a few years back, "Did you even bother to read what we sent you?" while he was, in that moment, throwing a pile of papers at me, I stayed in control and reacted calmly with a focus on solutions. Here's what I said.

"There seems to be a disconnect between what you thought I'd be giving you, and what we've got here."

"There seems to be a disconnect between what you thought I'd be giving you, and what we've got here. So that you and I can make sure you get the best 3-day offsite you've ever had, what would you like to see happen next?"

I purposely did NOT ask a question because I wanted to keep the momentum in my hands, which is why I made a suggestion that he could respond to.

In summary, there are always going to be those times when we just can't stop ourselves in the moment. We get flustered, we don't know why, and then we act in a potentially career-limiting way. That's human. But if you want to have a little less of that in your work life,  focus on solutions by staying in control and reacting calmly. You can do that by making a statement that links to the concern. And then follow it up with a suggestion or a question. And always watch your tone of voice.

All of these behaviors give people an impression of you, and all too often that impression is that you don't handle yourself well in the trenches. And if you do it consistently enough, word gets around and your brand suffers. And before long you're known as "the whiny one" or "the difficult one." And even though you may be brilliant, your chances for promotion get slimmer with each encounter. And with that, you lose your personal power to control your future.